Insults

This isn't going to be one of my rants but rather a list of my favorite insults. (I know how much you all love my rants.) This list is in no specific order. These insults are definitely not your average school yard insults, but adult ones. Viewer discretion is advised.

1."Da Bog da ti zena rodila stonogu pa ceo zivot radio za cipele" an insult originating from Serbia; in English it translates to "May your wife give birth to a centipede so you have to work for shoes all your life" Fucking awesome right? This one is what actually made me want to form a list of my favorite insults. I really can't say this one since I live in a pretty developed country, but I thought I put it up there anyway

2."Sa-mi bagi mana-n cur si sa-mi faci laba la cacat" is an insult originating in Romania; in English this translates to "Stick your hand in my ass and jerk off with my shit" This one seems like it was randomly blurted out in a big knot of pure anger. I actually said this one in Wal-Mart and was escorted out by very strong men. Makes me laugh every time I say it.

3. "Cunt" One of my favorites of all time. If you say this in America though you get fucking shot. In England (Where I think this originated.) They say it like nothing.

4."Fuck you in the asshole of a twelve year old goat with a prolapsed rectum." I actually made this one up, and I sort of regret it. This is shit is the type of vulgarity teenagers make up. Not only did I have a victim that would suit this insult, but saying it made me sick. If you have a friend who practices bestiality, get a hard on for old goats, and likes prolapsed rectums not only do I recommend this insult, (that only seem to fit someone with that description.) but you should really get some new friends.

5. "When you were born the doctor said look there's a cunt coming out of the cunt of a cunt." Not only is this a major insult to the person to the person you said it to, but also an insult to the person's mother. (I don't include "Yo momma" jokes because those are fucking dumb.)This one was created by one of the funniest stand up comics named, Louis C.K. *Post Louis C.K video*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WQw9hO9Qlg Here's the address for the video.


I think Louis C.K will never have to use this, since he's fucking funny, but it is wise to always to have one ready.

6. "After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest." Ouch, that's all I can say for this one; this has got to hurt.

Got any? post it in the damn comments!

I hated school.

I really didn't understand a lot when I was a kid, and by that I mean I was a complete dumbass. I was such a dumbass I didn't know that what the teachers were teaching me were a bunch of fucking lies. That really pisses me off. Now I know because of this extremely informative book called "Lies my teacher told me" Is there a better title? Now I strongly believe that you should never believe everything you read, so I checked the internet and all of the stories are true. They're fucking true! It's a strange feeling when you've been told something, and your whole life you believe it only to eventually learn that it's all false. Dirty fucking cunts. Now that I remember, the teacher who seemed to tell me the most lies was my eighth grade teacher, the biggest bitch in the world, Mrs.Cubberly. How she even got married is beyond me. She had the worst fucking mood swings of all time. I remember once a kid said, "Shit" and she was in her beast from hell mood and sent him to the principle's office. The next week, I kid you not, the next week a kid said "Fuck" and she was in her good mood so nothing happened to him. Actually the kid who said "Shit" was me. That bitch. That's not the worst she ever did to me though, once we were learning about that "Louis & Clark" shit and she told us we needed to write a 200 word paper as if we were travelers like Louis and Clark. I did, and I thought that it was fucking brilliant. But little did I know what I was in for when I wrote it. This happens to be what I wrote:

I was half-way in the woods when I finally realized all of this misfortune that has happened to me in no less than two hours. Or was it longer? The date is November eighth, 1774, and its freezing cold. If I don't find shelter soon, hypothermia will find its shelter in me. That unwelcoming jerk. Luckily I found a tent with what was possibly a native American's bow. I grabbed the bow, aimed it toward the the opening of the tent, and played the waiting game.
Now to remember how it all went down, first, I insulted the Red-Skin, I'm not exactly sure, but its probably because I called him a Red-Skin, this hurt him, bad. Second, the Red-Skin and all of his Red-Skin buddies killed my crew, and nearly killed me. Third, I'm really frustrated about his one since I forgot, but I know that that is the step were I got naked, probably, but why? To increase speed? That was probably it.
I heard rustling from outside, I pulled back on the bow harder than I have any bow. My heart was throbbing. The tent door opened, and without looking I shot the bow. I had no idea who I shot, so I looked outside where the body lay. Who did I shoot? A woman an her beautiful daughter. Well at least the woman, she was so pretty and I killed her, bow to her heart. Her daughter had a bow through her arm. What was I to do? Looking back I hate myself, but a baby with no mother is pointless. I crushed her skull in with my foot. By the time you've read all of this you would have known why I killed myself.
Goodbye, Everyone.

: You're probably asking yourself 'Why the hell does he still have that?' my therapist says I need it. I know its pretty dark and all, but that's how it was. Dark and terribly depressing. What did she do? She sent me to the counselor, in my definition a fake therapist, were I told her, "No offense to you or your work, but I really don't want to talk." She took this as if I was suicidal at the point. I swear people don't understand psychology, even the people who major in it. So they told my parents who didn't, and still don't understand me to take me to see "professional help" So the counselor wasn't a professional? She was just some sweet talking lady who says she's a counselor, but doesn't even know anything about counseling? Fucking school man, pisses me off. Like my dad how says he cares about me, but never really understands what the fuck is going on.That therapist was a pretenses asshole too so I just sat there and didn't talk, do after a long ass fucking argument with my dad and some fighting we didn't see him again. I don't know why I took his advice for keeping the paper, but I just did. For the rest of that year she never even talked to me. She even tried to get me out of her class. What a bitch! Do any of you have a story like that? post it in the damn comments. I would really like some comments. please?

Is it sinful to say I'm jesus?

Let me give you a little background, I was born into a Catholic family, I'm an atheist. (Just to get this out of the way, agnostics are stupid. They really need to think about it, if they just give up and be a dumb-ass, and say 'I don't know' they really need to shut the fuck up. I was an agnostic for about two hours, but if you become an agnostic for longer than that you're stupid.)Also it was snowing. I got about two days off work because of the snow. Fuck yeah! so what better way to celebrate than with some soda. (I don't drink alcohol. I always told my self that alcohol is fucking stupid. Alcohol and meth are the two drugs I would never do. Not that they're in any way, shape, or form similar I just hate them both.) It was two in the morning, I was stoned as fuck and wearing barely anything, I went in to the snowy weather. I went over to my car then decided it wouldn't really be a good idea to drive in my condition so I decided to walk.
While walking, the snow was just making the funniest noises, like a big crunch, hehehe, and I walked with my feet always in the the snow and slushy water, just getting just soaked. When I finally reached the dollar general I was coming down, and a little depressed for no reason, I just wanted to get in and out of that fucking store. I walked in, (And in Texas you think that it's just a stereotype that everyone there is just a bunch of fucking cowboys. You're smart if you think that, but once you're there you realize that it is actually true.) I do look kind of young and while looking for the soda (Dr.Pepper, the best fucking soda in the world.) A cowboy was watching me like I was going to steal something. I really wasn't in the mood to really say anything so I went by minding my own business. There wasn't those real cool 24-packs (I fucking love those things.), but instead they had those 6-packs, like the kind beer comes in. I grabbed four of them, and didn't even drop them, until one of the bastards saw where this was going and decided to jump away. I put them on the isle thing and got another six pack, this batch was either sleeping or suicidal. I looked at the cashier lady who was missing two chips of her two front teeth; they were the exact same shape of a triangle. I couldn't stop staring at them, she bagged them for me and I walked out of that store.
Thank god! I fucking hate going in there. It's so trashy, and- I guess I just wasn't made for going outside; I hate people. I was just fucking hating myself even more, so I tried some music to cheer myself up. I put on my my MP 3 player and started listening to the "Singing in the rain" sound track, I just skipped through the songs and got straight to Gene Kelley's awesomeness, and listened to "Singing in the rain" Just really wasn't feeling it. I was freezing cold, I swear to fucking god I could feel hypothermia settling in. I walked on the sidewalk now, not being able to see since my glasses were all fogged up. Then a car sprayed cold, icy, slushy, snow all over me. This time I could swear I was going to die. I was so cold I wasn't even cold really; just really numb. Then finally I reached my house. A sudden burst of dopamine was rushed to my brain, I knew what that meant.
I busted through the door scared to death, took off all my clothes and jumped into the shower. Cold water. I thought I was just going to die there, then the hot water started to settle in. Normally I would love to feel this, but this felt fucking awful. Imagine if hot fire ants (And by hot fire ants I mean the fire ants were on fire.) puked out there hot venom in a jar, and then needles were dipped into the venom. Those needles came out of the shower nozzle, fucking awful. After about an hour I felt nice and warm.
I told my grandmother this story, and of course she didn't believe me. I told her that I was Jesus Christ and she got really pissed off. Really pissed off! Safe to say I won't be able to go back there anymore. So that left me to ask the people I trust most; complete strangers. So tell me, is it sinful to say I'm Jesus?

Dreams don't mean shit!

I'm sick and tired of people saying that their dreams mean something will happen, or that it symbolizes something that has happened in the past. It's fucking bullshit! Just to prove it I thought I would type in the dream I had just the other night. Tell me what this means you fuckers.
I was in my parents' house, and I was a kid again. We were all eating dinner when a crazy man in a black ski-mask busted through the door. Next thing I knew I was tied down to a chair. Actually all of us were strapped to a chair. I didn't even remember him trying to tie us down we were just there. He then pulled out his gun, and pointed it at me. He looked at me like I knew what he meant, but I showed no fear. He pulled off his ski-mask, and wouldn't you know it, it was Gary Busey ready to blow my brains out. He said, "Shave your legs! Now!" then I realized that he didn't sound like Gary Busey at all, for some reason he sounded like Jim Carrey. I was thinking on why this Gary Busey/Jim Carry man wanted me to shave my legs, and how I was supposed to since I was tied down. I looked around, and I wasn't tied down anymore. Then I looked at my legs, which were very hairy, and Gary Carrey handed me this bottle that he said was shaving cream, but reading the bottle and putting it on my hairy legs I realized that it was Mountain dew cologne. Gary Carrey then handed me a razor, and I awkwardly shaved my legs. Then my legs jumped out of their sockets, only they weren't legs, they were bears. I couldn't run, because my legs turned into fucking bears! Looking around I realized that I was in purgatory. I then woke up.
So tell me you dream people, what the fuck does that dream I had mean!? Nothing it's just abstract craziness my brain produces while I'm asleep. My brain doesn't see into the future, and my brain doesn't use symbolization to recall a past memory, it just shows the memory itself in plain view. That's why I believe that dreams don't mean shit.

The new vampire thing.

Every single little teenage girl seems to be holding one of the "Twilight" books were ever she goes. What the fuck right? I mean it must be good to some extent. Honestly I couldn't get past reading a positive review about the book so there is no way I could read even one chapter. Just from the review I got what it was pretty much about though, some girl likes this dude who is really a vampire, and they do shit or something. Now I believe that vampires should in no way be romantic. I've seen the original Nosferatu, and holy shit balls it scares me still today. Not some fucking albino dude with a six pack, that's some pussy ass shit. Then what do you know, everybody sees this opportunity to bring in the lamest collection of vampires ever. Luckily though there is actually one good one, it is a Swedish film called, "Let the right one in." Now if you can get past the silly name, and if you like subtitles (Me I can't watch any movie without subtitles.) I assure you, you will love it. It was even a book before, which was even better than the movie. (This can be said in many cases.) I will admit though it is kind of romantic, but if you look really hard and deep into the movie you'll understand. And if you don't, the ass kicking will make up for that. And if that doesn't contact me, and my ass kicking will make you like this beautiful work of cinema.

Reasons why wall-e sucked.

I was baby sitting some kids for some extra money, and the parents, which were those parents that wanted one of those "Romantic night outs" And trust a complete stranger to watch their kids, (Which I never got.) said to take "good care" of our children. I already am, I don't neglect them and go out on fancy excursions, I never would let my children watch shitty movies like yours do. I wanted to say that but instead I said, "certainly." and they were off to were ever people like them go.(Rich fuckers.) All was going well, then the kids asked for a movie to go to sleep, now I don't mean to cause nostalgic feelings, or a grandpa speech for some, but when I was a kid I always wanted my parents read books to me in order to make me go to sleep.I didn't want to give them the grandpa speech so I went to help them pick out a movie. Lots of shit movies were in there, except for one which was "The lion king." other then censoring Shakespeare the film was possible my favorite Pixar film. I said, "we should watch this." but the kids were not even considering my genius idea. They all whispered into each others ears, (There were three of them, and they didn't want to talk to me.) and held up a movie called, "Wall-e" how bad could it be? I had actually heard good things about it. I regret ever watching that god awful movie. Why? This is why:


1. The music. I don't hate old music or anything, but they just had to choose the shittiest old music ever. Also they're in the future. THE FUCKING FUTURE! Why are the listening to old music? That's like driving a Flintstones' car in star wars.

2. The fact that robots had emotions. They're from the future and basically every sci-fi film from back in the day strictly forbids for robots to have emotions. Why would they even think that it would be a good idea to give them emotions? They listen to the old music, but they don't watch the movies.

3. How did the people even reproduce? They were fat as fuck, and had to rely on chairs to move their lazy asses around. Was there a special function on the chair that allowed for sexual intercourse?

4. I know this probably was never, considered since this movie was made for dumb ass kids who don't question a movie, even thought they got this part a little bit right the gravity on the space ship would most likely not support their bones, and since they're are lazy ass chair riders, they couldn't exercise. They say that their bones were small, but as long as they were on that ship and how little they moved, they shouldn't have had any bones at all.

5. The ending was just a, "Lets see how we can make this movie seem more stupid than it already is" kind of ending. honestly the ending was just a fucking stupid. So as I said before those lazy asshole chair riding pieces should have no bones. But they walk out of the ship like it was no big deal. Even if they had bones like the movie stated they would just snap like a toothpick. Aside from that they're just going to rely on one little plant to feed a whole large group of fat asses. One plant! They all died! There will be no sequel at least.

:The kids were asleep at the end and I was done. I turned off the rolling credits, got out my book, and read until the parents came to give me 20$, I really feel like I deserved a lot more than that for having to sit through that, what people call movie. I really wasn't in no mood to argue, I was in more of a mood to crack my skull open an just erase all the memory in my head as if it were a teenagers computer. I grabbed the twenty, went home, cried in the shower, and decided to write about that shit experience I had.

the meaning of life

Everybody has, is, or will question life, but no one really knows. people ask me "funk master what's the meaning of life?"(Yes that is my actual nickname I earned it from being the funkiest mother fucker alive.) I have been thinking about this for a while now and I think that I've finally come up with an acceptable answer, other than the family, love, and happiness bullshit.
The meaning of life is *Drum roll* the antonym of life. Now I know what you're thinking, "Wow that's pretty morbid." or, "He must be depressed." or maybe even, "How does that even answer anything?" but the more I think about it the more it makes sense. We all live this long and degrading life, buy our fancy cars, houses, boats, and raise families and the cycle continues through out. But why do we do it? So that one day we can hopefully reach pure happiness and ecstasy. Like we're going to get that with life. Some people do drugs to do reach a point of happiness and ecstasy, and realize that, depending on what drugs they take, that the best high is death. (In case you didn't know that was a line from "A panic in needle park" starring Al Pacino.) Do you have a theory? Please tell me. Also don't be a smart ass and say, "42"